Individuation is Essential
As we discussed in the last post, it is undeniable that familial relationships hold both our deepest karma and our deepest opportunities for freedom and liberation. In some real sense, almost everything else we do in life is just a set of training wheels for dealing with Mom (or another similar caregiver)!
Because our parents and caregivers shepherded all of our early developmental experiences, they have unique access to – and a unique effect on – our mind and emotions. Psychology talks about this in terms of regression, which is basically the felt- experience of being at an earlier development stage, even as you sit there in your adult body.
From the spiritual point of view, true connection, empathy and compassion (all facets of true nature) cannot really get expressed if we are still enmeshed with another being.
Another way of saying it is that compassion will always be elusive if there is no true separation between us and them – if there is no boundary.
Basically, energetically, we need to let them be over there, and we need to be over here. We need to “update the software” such that we are no longer unconsciously chording to them to fulfill our needs and expectations. This chording was necessary at earlier developmental stages (survival), but it is a major liability to ushering in a healthy adult relationship with them.
One thing we want to check is if we are still fixating on our expectations of how they should be to avoid taking in the truth of who they actually are.
In other words, most of us need to grieve the loss of the parent we didn’t get.
If we don’t do that, there is no way we can be in right relationship with what is actually in front of us.
However, if we do work slowly and honestly, we may be shocked to find that their limitations are not the problem we thought they were. We will also get all sorts of new information about how (and sometimes whether) to “do” the relationship. We get honest about what is healthy and what is not, what is workable and what is not, based on a much more precise understanding of them and how they work.